Eulogy for Tinder

Late night drunken swipers,
Harbingers of cheesy pick-up liners,
Sugar daddy seekers,
And enthusiastic dick picsters,

This song is for you.

The infamous “Fuck You” screen of “Give Me Money.”

We are gathered here today to celebrate the death of noble Tinder. To speak of the countless crappy dates and one night stands this service has provided would not do its three year life justice. For those of you noble enough not to have used this app, I salute you. For others of less noble and slightly more desperate temperament such as myself, in the last two days we have had to face the harsh truth: the death of our hated friend.

For you noble few who have not tread the Tinder roads of desperation, Tinder is a “dating” app created in 2012. It works on a very simple principle. You are shown pictures of people, and you swipe left if you aren’t interested, and swipe right if you are interested. Once you like someone who also likes you back, you are able to start a chat conversation with them. It’s a relatively shallow app, but it did what dating apps are supposed to do, and that’s getting people to meet and talk. Profile accounts are usually made up of silly emoji, height requirements, where’s Waldo picture hunts, and the overall immaterial. So why the grief for this silly little app? Because despite it’s numerous shortcomings, it provided a very simple and somewhat fun way of meeting people.

A few days ago, Tinder decided to release a new patch that would provide users with the option of upgrading to Tinder Plus. Tinder Plus provides several new features such as Passport, a feature which lets you change your location whenever you want, with the purpose of hooking up with people in different countries and cities. You are on a business trip to Moscow, and you want to make love to man like bear? Say no more. You’ll have a hairy, tall Cossack waiting for you at the airport. Also, you can now go back on your swipe if you swiped yes/no by accident, making sure you don’t miss out on that one special (really hot) person that you feel you might have had a genuine connection (seen them naked) with.  And lastly, you can swipe “yes” to as many people as you want.

BUT WAIT, Mr. Author dude, isn’t that already part of the App? Well, my thoughtful reader, t’is not the case any longer. While Tinder originally didn’t have a swipe ceiling, the new Tinder Plus has ~100 likes before you are blocked from further liking for 12 hours. But it doesn’t HAVE to be this way, you can pay the low monthly fee of $16.99 (Canada), or $30.00 if you’re above 30, just to remind you that you are old, less in demand, and have money that you can give us.

For anyone who uses this app, you’ll know that ceiling is way to low, and to viably use this app to find a decent hook up or date, you need at least two to three times that number. This is a pay-to-play in disguise. It’s when a developer releases a “free” app, which you can technically use for free, however, to really enjoy or benefit from said app, you have to pay. You’re given just a little taste of what you want, and then you’re shown the barrier you can cross for only the small, monthly fee of $X.

I have a job, I make enough money to enjoy a decent life. But to pay $16.99 to just swipe through pictures is absurd to put it at its lightest. There are many alternative apps (maybe not as popular) that provide the same service and more for free. I’m sure that within the next year we’ll see the stocks of Tinder plummet, and some new copy-cat rival will take over what was until now a very popular and lucrative business.

Like most new upstarts, they tried to rise too fast, too greedy. Rest in cyberspace peace, Tinder, thou greedy devil.


2 thoughts on “Eulogy for Tinder

    1. Yeah, it’s way too greedy. If they made it like $4.99 or something, I can see a lot of people willing to cough up the buck. But they just made sure they crash and burn with that 😦 Oh well… back to real life, lol.

      Liked by 1 person

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