photo 3

Review by Chris

I would love to have seen a FIFA World Cup finals game where the ref thought “screw it, let’s use a rugby ball, and throw in some land mines for good measure”.

As you can probably guess, Uppercup Football (Soccer), and that is indeed how it is named in the App Store, does not follow convention. Each team seems to take a turn-based attitude, where the exalted possessor of the ball gets to call a time out to aim his shot/pass, while the other team politely waits for the invisible sky ref to signal when leg moving time has resumed.

Aiming is based on the timing of an orbiting arrow, and passing/shooting by a power bar. Tacking and repositioning when not in possession of the ball is done in much the same manner. Playing is extremely easy to grasp, and the challenge is driven mostly by the various environmental conditions like wind, rain, giant pumpkins and warp pads (you know, the normal shit).

UCP6To win a match, you have to score a designated amount of points before time runs out. Each goal your opponent scores on you takes away one of your points (stopping at 0), so it’s as much a race against time, as well as it is a struggle against football-playing aliens, cyborgs and anime characters (really, I’m sure this is not how football is actually supposed to be played).

The game sends you to various tournaments around the world, setting you up against a variety of pop-culture-themed teams, concluding with finals matches that ramp up the difficulty. I’m serious, the difficulty spikes and drops so hard you can catch air between matches, but it does keep the game interesting.

This is a one-button game, so you don’t have to assault your screen to move around or tilt the device like an idiot in public, and you can switch from right-handed to left-handed orientation in the options menu.

Oh, yes, and you can change your team colours. I’m a little disappointed you can’t turn your team into velociraptors, though. That is an in-app purchase of which I would strongly approve. GET ON IT, Motion-Twin!

As of the posting of this review, the game offers 100 opponents at three difficulty settings (Normal, Hard and Epic). In addition, there are rankings for your performance on each match, for those of you neurotic enough to tie your sense of self-worth to the programmed approval of a game.

…so, all of us, I suppose.

UCP1

Now to ask the big question: is Uppercup Football Worth its asking price (as of now, $2.99)? Yes. You can even download the demo version free, if you are still on the fence.

So why are you still reading this? This is my first review, and I’ll be damned if I set a high bar for future performance.

Fine! Here is my most recent humiliation to the computer, for your entertainment:

photo 1

photo 2I hate that my win rate for Uppercup is starting to resemble my win rate for Solitaire.

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